Deal Breakers! How many of us have them?

You meet this amazing person. So it seems. They are attractive. Charming. Intelligent. They have a great career. Financially stable. Sexy/handsome. You are seriously looking at this person as a potential mate. Then they drop the "bomb"on you. That "bomb" could be a variety of things. A variety of things or the one thing that pretty much establishes the fact that this is someone you can't have a relationship with. This is called a Deal Breaker! 

For some.... A deal breaker could be a certain number of kids, a lifestyle choice, or something as simple as a gold tooth. Penis size is a factor for some. Even the choice of hairstyle. For instance some men don't like natural hair on women.... (I've been asked to straighten my hair by a guy before). Also if a woman wears a weave, that can be a deal breaker for some men. 

So why is it that people will let a potentially great person pass them by because of one thing that they see as a deal breaker. 

For instance..... I have a friend who met a great guy. An absolutely great guy. He was stable. He had a great career. Owned his home. No kids. Never been married. He was funny. Great personality.  Treated her like a queen. Wanted to have a relationship that could possibly lead to marriage. And this chick could not get past the fact that this dude was SHORT!!!! She complained and complained that when she put on heels how she was soooooo much taller than him. And even wearing flats she was taller than him. She did like him and enjoyed his company but she let his "shortcomings" block her insight on what a great guy he really was. No matter what it always reverted back to him being too short and that was a major deal breaker for her.  

For a male friend of mine, his issue with a female he met was the number of kids she had. (Especially if she had never been married and had an excessive number of kids). He would talk to or not talk to a woman according to the number of kids she had. He never considered the great woman factor. Her kid count was a deal breaker for him regardless if she was a great woman.

A deal breaker of mine is bad breath! If your breath is horrible....that is a "not going to happen" factor in my book. But maybe, just maybe I should consider something  like.... "Did you just eat lunch?"as a possible factor to the bad breath. But if we continue to meet and Im still making acquaintances with the same horrible breath-that is a deal breaker for me. 

 The real question is.... Are deal breakers really that crucial that you would let a really good person go because they exhibit the one thing you can't handle? In my case, maybe I could offer gum or perhaps the business card to my dentist. Or maybe just be honest and see if the problem could be fixed. Some deal breakers are in fact fixable. Others you just have to decide if that person is worth it or not. You just may find out that the thing you wasn't really wanting to deal with .... Isn't such a deal breaker after all. 

So what are some of your deal breakers?

 

The Do's and Dont's of Sex With An Ex !!!!

Sex with an ex..... How many of us have done this?  The reality is....most of us have. Its really okay. Why? Sometimes there are unresolved feelings. You both are still attracted to one another. The chemistry is still there and even though you are no longer together, its a  possibility that you are still in love. It all good,  but what you don't want to do is fall back in a tangled web that you cant seem to get out of. If you are going to divulge in having sex with an ex there are rules that must be followed....

Do Use A Condom- The fact that you have been out of the relationship and possibly seeing other people warrants the fact that a condom should be used. You are no longer in a monogamous relationship and you must be sure to protect yourself at all times.  Its understandable that you may not have been condom users when you were exclusive but now that you are no longer in a relationship you must use good judgment and a condom!


Don't Catch Feelings- Is easy to fall back into the familiar ways of your relationship. You all of a sudden start realizing all the things you miss about your ex and once you begin having sex again, you may start catching feelings. This is the worst thing you can do, because for one you are not thinking clearly (sex tends to cloud judgment) and you end up forgetting about the reason you actually broke up. You must be able to keep feeling at bay and keep in mind that its only sex! Nothing more!

 Do Set Rules- We have to follow rules everyday.... so why not set some when you start having sex with an ex. By rules, I mean both should state what they want and don't want. For instance: some people think that once you start seeing your ex on that level again, then you can call whenever and expect to see that person whenever. It doesn't work like that. That is your ex and you have to keep in mind that your ex may be seeing someone else.  So they may not be readily available for you and you have to understand and be ok with that! Set rules for how you are going to go about this sexcapade!

Don't Think You Are Getting Back Together- This is self explanatory. Just because you are having sex doesn't mean you are about to rekindle the relationship. Also definitely don't talk about the past relationship. Don't talk about why the relationship ended or mistakes that were made.  Its just sex and trying to make more out of it will just ruin the moment.  Don't get caught up in the whole idea that having sex will rekindle something because you just may end up disappointed.

DO Have Fun!!- Yes!!!! Have Fun!! It shouldn't feel like its forced. You shouldn't think about those angry feelings from the relationship or think about the relationship period. Its over! Don't do anything but enjoy the moment and have fun.!!!

Have you had sex with an ex? Was it the wrong thing to do or did it turn out ok? Share your experiences.

Thoughts on Scandal's "Ferguson- Inspired" Episode ................

I just finished watching last weeks episode of "Scandal" and all I can say is that was a great show. I already knew there were mixed reviews from reading Facebook post, so I decided not to indulge in the chatter until I could see the show for myself. Unfortunately, I am just getting around to watching it (I'm always on the go). So I stopped and made it my point to watch tonight before another episode comes on.  That show had me in tears! It highlighted the frustration on both sides of the fence. The frustration between white cops and African American citizens (especially our young black men).
I have always been the one to see BOTH sides of the story, and even in this one there are still two sides of the story.

I loved how we were able to see how everything played out..... from the shooting to justice being served. We all wish that this show could be our reality... especially in light of everything that has happened involving police shootings lately. I loved how it highlighted how we feel in our community. We want justice and we want to feel that our kids lives matter. Although the cop was rightfully found guilty..... I also see the other side of the story. Did anyone else understand what the cop was saying before he was arrested.
Some may question... how can you possibly see the cops side.  I definitely don't agree with the killing but I do agree with  what he said about the disrespect that cops have to deal with everyday (no matter what race). The cop was also correct in stating that some kids are being raised to be "against" them. He felt they are paid to serve and protect people who hate them and have no respect for them. Don't get me wrong..... there are some dirrrrrrty cops out there. But that's not the case for EVERY cop out there. Just like there are black people who are criminals..... still not the case for EVERY black person out there. The father wanted justice for his son and that justice would not have been received if he had not stood for what he believed and saw to it that his son was proving innocent.  Unfortunately, not every case ends like this one did. I talk about what the cop said because he had a very valid point about respecting authority.

My thoughts is we need to teach our kids RESPECT for authority. Respect for authority is lacking in a lot of our households. Not just respect for cops but respect for authority period!  I work with kids everyday, and as a teacher I see and hear a lot. One thing I definitely  see, is how disrespectful some of these kids are to their parents which in turn makes them feel they can be disrespectful to their teachers. They have no respect whatsoever for  any form of authority.  This is a major issue in our community and it needs to be addressed immediately!

The storyline to this show was an excellent choice and it highlighted the issues that are affecting us everyday. The black on black crime. The disrespect for authority. Race issues. Injustice. The pain. The angle from both sides. It was a deep and powerful episode.  Shonda Rhimes really did it with this episode and it was heartfelt and appreciated. At least by this chick!
 I know that there is always two sides to every story, but to every story there is TRUTH. I hope that we can lessen these types of incidents in the future and that justice will always be served.

 

Shhhhhh.... To tell or not to tell?!?!?

Sooooo.... Here's the situation. You are out at dinner.  It's a typical Saturday night. Dinner, drinks,

and friends.  Only this night has become less typical because a few tables over you notice one of your best friends' significant other having dinner as well. Only they are not with your best friend, but with another companion.  Not wanting to jump to conclusions, you just figure they are out with a friend or family member until something happens that lets you know for sure its definitely NOT family member and a little too much for friends. The first thing you want to do is tell your friend. But why is this not always the best thing to do? Those who are against telling gave me some really valid reasons why telling is not a good idea. 

 

1. It really could be just a FRIEND!

We all have friends of the opposite sex and sometimes those friends are very close. Signs of affection doesn't always mean something is going on. It could just appear to be more than what it is. And you don't know just by looking. An example could be hugging and holding a friend that just loss someone close to them. The affection you thought you saw is just a friend comforting a friend. Nothing more!

2. They are NOT going to leave. 

The most common reason was the fact that the friend is not going leave their significant other anyway. So why waste time telling. It could be that they have been in that situation before or even more than once and they always stayed. So what's the point of telling them, only to add more cases to the file. Just be quiet and act like you didn't even see it. 

3. Strains on the friendship and your friends' relationship. 

Now you become the friend that told and the one who ruined the "perfect" relationship. Now every time your friend and their significant other has an argument the whole incident will come up. The friend could also feel that you think less of them because they are staying in the relationship and accepting infidelity. It just makes everything awkward and it can all be avoided by keeping quiet!

Have you ever saw a friends significant other involved in questionable conduct. Do you know for sure your friends' mate is/has cheated? Did you tell? Why or why not? Share your stories and experiences. You can reply anonymous.... That way your friend doesn't know you know :) 

Post comments and don't forget to share !!!! 

I'm giving these things up..... for Lent and for Life!!!!!!

A few weeks ago, those who participate in Lent were trying to figure out exactly what to give up for

Lent this year. In the years past I have given up things like chocolate, meat, alcoholic beverages, ice cream, etc...... All tangible - meaning capable of being touched, real or actual, rather than imaginary or visionary.  This year I decided to give up something that would transform my life in a more spiritual way. Things that would also help to benefit my well being emotionally and mentally.  One of my friends shared with me an interesting article by Phil Ressler- published by Lutheran Church of the Good Shepherd (see link below). I decided to choose 5 things off that list to work towards, so this year I decided to give up Ungratefulness, Worry, Feelings of Unworthiness, Impatience, and Resistance to Change

Ungratefulness
I never really looked at myself as being ungrateful. But then I started realizing how blessed I am and how I wasn't thanking God daily for blessing me. I chose to give up ungratefulness because I became aware of just how grateful I should be. I have even been told by my bestie that I can sometimes be ungrateful but of course I could never see it. I'm definitely working on being better.
Worry
I definitely can be a "worry wart".  So I had to add "Worry" to my list of things to give up.  Sometimes I can worry so much that I can feel myself being  stressed out. I've gotten headaches from worrying. My mistake was choosing to worry instead of having faith. Instead of worrying, I just put it all in God's hand. Worrying causes unnecessary stress that can be avoided.
Feelings of Unworthiness
I'm sure we have all had a point in our life where we didn't feel worthy.... Not smart enough....Not pretty enough......Not deserving......Just plain NOT ENOUGH. But we have to get out of the mindset that we are undeserving.  I deserve every good thing that God sends my way and I will no longer feel that I am unworthy of His blessings.
Impatience
Oh my! Now this is me. I am so impatient. I want what I want when I want and I will act a fool if I don't get my way. Well.... maybe not a fool, but I will feel some type of way.  I am learning to be patient. I am praying for patience. I will wait for what is for me and stop trying to make things happen on my own. I will be patient!!!
Resistance to Change
This is the hardest for me but its definitely what I need to work on the most.  My issue is that I can see the changes others need to make but I cant see the things I need to work on to change. My bestie and I have had battles about this as well. This was also something that I battled in my last relationship. I wanted so many things to change about my significant other but the things I needed to change I ignored. I was so resistant to change that it actually played a part in the demise of the relationship. I had to step back and evaluate exactly how I can expect for others to change to fit into my world but not being able to change to fit back into theirs. I learned a lot and I am grateful for that experience to help me to work towards being a better person and changing for the better no matter if others change or not. As long as God is pleased and my changes make me a better me then I am good. And change is good!

Not only am I giving up these things for Lent but I'm working towards giving up these things for life.....
Note: While doing Lent, don't forget to pray daily and be spiritually connected to God as you work towards being a better person.  Pray, Pray, and keep on Praying!!
So tell me..... what did you give up for Lent and how is it going?
To check out the complete list click on the link below....
http://gs4nj.org/40-things-the-give-up-for-lent-the-list/
 Is there anything you would add to the list?
Don't forget to Comment and Share this blog post!!      

  

Is Monogamy Realistic?

Is it safe to say that everyone will cheat at some point in a relationship.  Especially in relationships that have lasted past 3 years. Statics show that the longer the relationship- the higher the likelihood that one or both partners will cheat.  So is monogamy really realistic?

First lets define what monogamy is.  Monogamy is a form of relationship in which an individual has only one partner during their lifetime or at any one time. There are different forms of monogamy. For instance there is social monogamy which refers to two partners living together, having sex with each other, and cooperating in acquiring basic resources such as shelter, food, and money. There is also sexual monogamy which refers to two partners remaining sexually exclusive with each other and having no outside sex partners. The question still remains....is this realistic?  With all the open relationships, casual partners, friends with benefits, and swingers...... is anyone practicing monogamy anymore? Some will even argue that people don't even marry for monogamy anymore but rather for companionship, security, and to start a family. For many, that does not mean that monogamy has to be a part of that equation. Studies and statics have shown that infidelity in relationships is as high 60 percent for women and 75 percent for men. Yes, despite popular belief, women resist monogamy just as much as men.
Here are some factors that contribute to monogamy or the lack thereof......

• Relationship Satisfaction- The more satisfied two people are in a relationship, the more likely both partners will be monogamous. Someone who is truly happy with their partner will less likely take a chance of stepping out and risk potentially losing that person in their life. They will feel its not worth it and will continue to be faithful for the sake of the relationship.
  
• Religious Beliefs- Religion is a factor in regards to the influence of sexual attitudes and behaviors, therefore couples who share religious beliefs in a higher power and base their relationship upon influences of their faith have a greater chance to have a monogamous relationship.
• Cultural Factors- There is a great influence on monogamy when it comes to cultural aspects. There are some cultures that view monogamy as the way it should be therefore one tends to try to emulate this practice in their relationship. There are also some cultures that believe the opposite. As an individual, no matter what you think or feel, you tend to be influenced by the culture in which you are raised.
• And speaking of how you are raised, Your Upbringing has a lot to do with how you view monogamy. Did you see a different man coming out your mothers bedroom every week. Or does your father have several kids outside your immediate family.  What you see growing up influences what you do. If you didn't see your parents/family members or those close to you taking relationships seriously, the less likely you are to take it serious too.
• Social Media- I'm a high believer that social media (as well as the internet as a whole) has an influence on monogamy. Yes, I agree that its an individual persons choice to step out.... but I also agree that with all the sex via social media.... its kinda easy to be influenced when your inbox is full of messages from people wanting you and waiting for you to step out....... Oh and lets not forget the direct messages, sex hook up sites, porn site where you can "click here to have sex with someone in your area". Its all too easy and all it takes is an fight between you and your significant other...... A logon onto the internet then.... viola! There goes monogamy out the door. It could happen.....

Just know there are always exceptions.. Like for instance, there are people who are in great relationships and love their partner- yet they tend to step out from time to time. A great relationship does not guarantee monogamy... Marriage does not guarantee monogamy..... The only thing that guarantees monogamy is two people who both want the same thing and are not influenced by outside partners.
It doesn't matter if monogamy is realistic or not.....All that matters is if it is realistic with you.
So what do you think? What are some other factors that influence monogamy? Comment & Share!!

Are you in a Situationship?

You are dating a great guy or girl...... You are hanging out all the time.  You go to dinner. Go catch a movie.  Hang out at one another's crib. Your friends know about that person....  Yet when someone ask if that's your dude or if that's your girl..... You can't answer. You're not quite sure what you're doing. Suddenly you find yourself in a situationship!

There are many different relationship statuses. The more relationship statuses that are invented.... The harder they are to define. With most people, they find themselves either in a relationship with someone, married, single or divorced. These are the easiest to define. But what about those who are in an open relationship or  in a domestic partnership. It's gets a little more questionable.  Facebook even has a "it's complicated" tab as a relationship choice.

We are to the point where we are dating and not having sex. We have sex with people without dating them. We sleep with our exes and call them "friends". We spend a year or more involved with someone without as much as a title or category for our "thing".
How do we explain all these situationships that are happening all over the place? And how do we avoid being in one?
1.  Know what you want!
First of all, before embarking on the unknown, we must know exactly what we want. Don't get into situations with other people and not know what you want. Before you start dating, there should be a clear view on exactly what you are looking for. Without a clear destination, you have no idea which roads to take to get there. 
2. Communicate
Communicate your wants to the person you are seeing. For instance, if you are seeking a relationship that could possibly lead to marriage- then let that be known. Don't try to hide what you want especially if the other person has made it clear that they aren't looking for the same things. Believe me ..... Staying with someone who doesn't have the same relationship goals as you could end in disaster. Don't expect for what YOU want in a relationship to rub off on them.

3.  Define your Relationship
If you have been dating for awhile (6 months to a year) and have gotten to know one another very well, then how do you define your relationship?  You seem to be a "pair" to everyone else but it seems you can't figure out what you are. You don't date or see other people yet you still can't understand whats really going on with you and the one you are seeing. It's time to define your relationship!!!! Sit down and have a candid talk about the status of your relationship.

Just know that it's so easy to end up in one of those "situationships" that will leave you thinking and wondering about your true relationship status. The best way to avoid that is to know what you want, communicate with your partner, and define your relationship! Do you know anyone in a situationship? Have you ever been in one yourself? In your opinion, do relationships really need to be defined??
Don't forget to comment and share!